Philomath High School

 

Class of 1985

Senior Prophecy

Little did they realize that a strange force would draw them all together again 20 years later...

(Written by the class of 1986)

 

Various figures were seen in the distance - climbing over dilapidated fences and across fields. They seemed to be headed toward Philomath - a sparsely settled town far away from the main super-speedways with their remote controlled traffic. They had left their high-speed hovercrafts at the highway and started out on foot. Why they felt this urge to see their old hometown they did not know. Driven on, they (all 78 of them) met at the old Philomath water tower. Smiling benignly, a green-clad Virgil Gosser greeted them. “I have been waiting,” he said. While taking off his green lab coat and shoes and putting on his lime-green sweater and green Keds, he said with a mysterious twinkle “Won’t you be my neighbor?” Suddenly it seemed right to be there.

Many years ago, Mr. Gosser sent some drab olive-colored Kool Aid with the seniors on their trip to Sunriver, since he could not go with them. Accidentally, part of an experiment with a substance, now know as Gosserite, was spilled unnoticed into the Kool Aid. The reaction between the Gosserite and the Philomath water in the Kool Aid caused a homing instinct in this graduating class.

Bob Hendricks, who had drunk the most Kool Aid, returned first and began setting up a camp. Soon all of the 1985 graduates were gathered at this camp which they instinctively called the Hendricksies.

Years later, still together and still wearing green, the society prospers.

Every morning at the crack of dawn, residents are pleasantly awakened with Eric Hutley singing the community anthem with a skat solo. The leader, Bobwan-Shree-Hendricks, guides the community and offers free advice. Matt Miner, the highly excitable royal jester, entertains the Bobwan and manager of affairs, Frankie Gee. In trying to calm the annoying clown Frankie says “Relax.” Ethan Kennedy, the obese religious fanatic, constantly tried to improve his potential as a human being on the face of this earth. To help him out, Kendra Hazleton has come up with her new Kendra-cize exercise program.

Don Hurley serves as the only oracle to the outside world with his radio station, KGRN (K-Green). Jack Noble gains instant notoriety for his uncanny ability for healing damaged knees. Rob Rosborough, his associate and pet toad, sees a bright green future for Jack. Jeff Link, otherwise known as Dr. Disco, owns the local speakeasy, the Lead-Shed. Dan Harris provides guests with leaded, sparkling water while Steve Evenson, the bouncer, keeps his eye on the town clown, Dan Long. The Lead-Shed’s opening act is Toby Erkson and his dancing chairs, followed by Stacy Pool and her domestic animal act.

Sara Tonkin provides music for the Lead-Shed’s top act, belly dancing with Robert Honcoop and Ariana Orton. Sasha-Khan Radisavljevic jives with the locals with his record-scratching, rappin’ sound, while Chris Onstad juggles four of Stacy’s animals. Brian Hawe, manager for AC/DC, arranges local shows at the Lead-Shed.

Every day Kerry Hiser, Philomath High School’s bus driver, picks up the students and delivers them to the school. There Tammy Barkdoll, the principal, greets every student and gives them words of encouragement as they go to class. Because of budget cuts the curriculum has been reduced to only 4 classes. Carolyn Craigie teaches the math class, and in the literary department Mechelle Burbank teaches left-handed writing. Rounding out the school day is the Swedish class taught by Ann-Sofie Gorranson, who gives out Swedish candy on every holiday, and David Gray teaches Driver’s Education, now a four-year class as a suggestion of a past teacher. The need for a library is met by David Dougherty, who drives the book-mobile. And since on those rare sunny days, students still get the urge to skip school, Nancy Craig has been appointed as Truant Officer.

The needed wood for community buildings is provided by Forester’s, Inc. Marie picked only the finest trees. Through crossbreeding she develops a tree for all shades of green. Ceremonial tents are custom-made by Jackie Casperson. Next to the Mary’s River a beautiful resort was opened by Elizabeth and Shawn Newport. Deanna Brown is manager of Hotel Hendricks, which is a favorite place to stay for tourists. Janice Robinson has opened a three-story Fred Meyer store in downtown Philomath.

Angie opens Robinette’s fashion, a large clothing store selling clothes of all shades of green. Laurie Ebner and Sharleen Moldowan are the fashion designers for clothes sold at Robinette’s Fashion. They specialize in “Feed the World” T-shirts. Mary Kay Fletcher founded a cosmetics chain, and employes Melody Weaver as head sales clerk. Mary Kay has developed all shades of green for any makeup. Terrie Schlundt is managing editor of the popular community newspaper “The Daily Doodle”. Alice Springer writes the “Dear Alice” column for the paper.

Kellie Simpson is rumored to have a secret tunnel though which she smuggles in the secret ingredient for “Kellie’s Cure-All”. This famous concoction is claimed to be able to stop nosebleeds, heal ear-aches, dry up unsightly blemishes, and relieve athlete’s foot. It is often used by Dirty Rod to control his body odor.

In the concession area of the community, Billy Franks operates Frank’s hot dog stand next to Dana Ramsey’s supermarket, offering Monday specials on Leanne TeKaru’s kiwi fruit grown on her private farm outside the community. As the main restaurant of the community, Kim and Christy operate WoodStokes Pizza Parlor with Mark Weaver as head chef. Using fresh road-kill as sausage provided by John Mahana’s RoadKill Incorporated, with his Assistant Road-Kill Scraper, Sam Hanks, delivering daily, makes their pizzas the best in the community.

Luann Morris manufactures cat food, using the leftover road kill not used by WoodStokes for sausage. Becky Magness makes the community’s Hostess flat cakes, adding special ingredients such as lead-water and green food coloring. Nancy York is the official cake tester and is partial to New York Peppermint icing.

The Bobwan’s 85 camaros are chauferred and kept in good repair by Dawn Aerni.

Propaganda specialist Laurie Bauer distributes flyers on the Bobwan’s administration and promotes the slogan “Green is Keen”; however, Robert Comer is convinced the community would be better off if placed in the metropolis of Eddyville and spends most of his time trying to convince others he is right.

Moira Broadley, the local veterinarian, leads the community’s humane society against the merciless slaughter of animals by RoadKill Incorporated. Kim Cross, as head of the Green Cross, provides the medical treatment for the community.

MaPrem Bell, formerly known as Christy Bell, runs Hendrickspuram Telephone Service, and Michelle Oglesbee faithfully delivers mail through rain, sleet, rain, snow, rain, sun, rain, driving hail, and rain. Matt Doran acts as the community “night-light” by standing on top of the water tower. His skin lets off a fluorescent green glow caused by the long hours of swimming in Philomath water. Andy Epperly takes visitors on tours around the city and also directs exhibitions of Philomath local art talent. As Shannon Horn displays rare, hand-made rugs, his assistant, Robin Myhrum demonstrates the unique cleaning method required by the rugs. Pat Mariman displays enormous artistic talent in his many gorgeous self-portraits. David Schwartz writes the official “I Hate Life” book.

At Clemens’ Airport, owner Brian Skirvin is often confronted by the suspicious CIA agent Mike Stahl. Mike suspects that a black market transportation of red bikinis is being carried on in the airport’s vicinity. Mike also keeps a constant eye on Jay Vogt who is always trying to get back to Idaho. Heath Marshall owns and runs the local dating service suspected to be tied into the red bikini black market.

The prime suspects are Lisa Weigel and Diane Olson, whose toeless nylon business has been prospering despite poor sales. Trish Schoof, chief riot-control officer, often has to break up wild riots caused by Aaron McKee’s nude sing-o-grams. Tom McDonald is suing Aaron for driving customers away from his Stocks and Bonds Co. Judge Symone Shroyer presides over the case. Fleece from the outlying sheep farms is brought to Kim’s Woolery where owner Kim Woolery directs the manufacture of 100% pure Philomath wool long johns.

Ms. Amber Fischler enjoys her job as traffic control officer in which she slows the traffic with flashing Amber warning lights during the noon lunch rush hours. The community is protected by the Army, comprised solely of Sgt. Carlea Carter, who roams the streets in her ancient Army jeep.

Also protecting the townspeople on his shetland pony is the Enforcer. No one knows the identity of this masked rider commonly called Dirty Rod.